Written by Ryan Berman 

This week, I had the honor of lecturing with my co-authors at Harvard in their Executive Education program.

Brilliant room.

Deep resumes.

Serious responsibility on everyone’s shoulders.

And yet—what became painstakingly clear wasn’t a strategy gap or a capability gap.

It was this:

The hardest conversations leaders are having… are the ones with themselves.

Here we were with super talented, intelligent humans operating at a high level—many at or near the top of their game—quietly battling an inner voice that was undermining focus, confidence, and clarity.

This tracks. According to data from the US Bureau of Labor Statistics (2020), when calculating the amount of time people spend alone during the day, the average adult aged 15 and older spent 11.3 waking hours by themselves. Add in a good night’s sleep, and you're looking at over 19 hours of "just life with your inner critic" every day. That equals 80 percent of your life stuck inside in your head.

Back to the lecture. We covered a lot of ground—from self-talk to team-talk. Of everything we shared, here are five graspable points we worked to hammer home at Harvard.

Point #1: It’s time we talked about self-talk at work.

We found it didn’t matter whether you lead a startup or a Fortune 1000 company. Leaders everywhere are first struggling with the conversation they’re having with themselves. That inner critic is getting the best of them—crippling productivity, alignment, and decision-making before the day even starts. It wasn’t a strategy or a skill that was slowing a leader down; it was simply the spin between their ears.

Point #2: Culture doesn’t start in the boardroom. It starts in your leader’s brain.

Before values are posted on walls or decks are shared with teams, culture is quietly shaped by how leaders interpret pressure, failure, and uncertainty in their own heads. Your internal dialogue becomes your external behavior—whether you intend it or not. In other words, yes, your self-talk is going to make a dent on your team-talk. People can smell your uncertainty or are put at ease when you’re calm. We are not just thinkers and doers; we remain excellent feelers. People feel your self-talk — even when you don’t overtly share it.

Point #3: Thank your childhood for your self-talk. Friendly fire is still fire.

Most of our inner voices were wired early by families doing the best they could with what they knew. Perhaps the intentions were loving—but the patterns can still wound. Friendly fire doesn’t stop hurting just because it came from a good place. Now that I am a parent I am certain my friendly fire is taking down my kids. Just last week I had posted about my daughter bringing the spice to our family. She’s ten years old and translated this as “my brother must be the sweet one therefore I must not be sweet”. Noooo! We are going to mess up our kids! We are going to mess up our teams. Slow down. Remember, you are a mirror. It starts with you. Create the conditions to have regular talks about self-talk.

Point #4: You only suffer from Imposter Syndrome if you’re doing it right.

Imposter Syndrome is a tricky game. Oprah is on record suffering from it. Tom Hanks, Albert Einstein, and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz do too. Perhaps we have been looking at Imposter Syndrome all wrong. Imposter Syndrome grows festers the most when one enters a bigger job and a bigger room. Don’t you want that opportunity? So, in essence, Imposter Syndrome isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal you’re stretching. You should be far more concerned the day it disappears, because that usually means you’ve stopped growing, risking, or learning something new.

Point #5: Intention happens in your head. Impact happens in theirs.

Leadership isn’t about what you meant. It’s about what others receive. If you want real impact, you have to body-jump—get out of your own head and experience the moment from theirs. Where we landed at Harvard was that you have to do your part first on understanding your own self-talk with the intent of elevating the conversations that come with team-talk.

Sometimes, courage isn’t just about what you say to others. It’s about having the nerve to listen to—then challenge—the voice narrating your every move. That conversation shapes everything else! Headamentals helps leaders master the conversation in their head so they can elevate the conversations in their teams—resulting in clearer decisions, healthier culture, and more courageous action.

Ryan Berman - Author